2005 Lenten Parish Retreat
Monday February 28, 2005

Patrick Brennan: The Way of Forgiveness

1. Daily moral inventory about whom I may have hurt.
2. Practice empathy. How did I make these people feel?
3. Pray for the grace to repent.
4. Decide to work on process toward expressing sorrow.
5. Rehearsing the reconciliation, à la the Prodigal Son.
6. Take action – somehow going to the one I have hurt.
7. Nonrationalizing expression of sorrow; the experience of being forgiven – liberation from shame and guilt.
8. Praying with the person I hurt, if that is acceptable and helpful.
9. Praise God for this share in the victory of Christ’s resurrection over sin.
10. Deepen the experience; repent and remember.

1. Listen for the hurt within.
2. Name the pain and the people who have caused it.
3. Pray for the grace and courage to forgive. Pray for the one who has caused the hurt.
4. Decide to work a process toward forgiveness of the other.
5. Rehearse, as the father of the Prodigal Son must have done.
6. Take action – somehow connect with the person who is to be forgiven.
7. Create an environment of hospitality for the person who expressed sorrow, or proactively seek the transgressor out and be hospitable. Grant forgiveness, liberate self from anger and resentment.
8. Pray with the other, if that is acceptable and helpful.
9. Praise God for the share in Christ’s victorious resurrection.
10. Deepen the experience: forgive and remember. Whom else should I forgive? To whom should I be saying “I am sorry”?

1. Forgive someone who has died.
2. Forgive myself.
3. Forgive family of origin.
4. Forgive an abuser.
5. Forgive systems, institutions, and groups.
6. Forgive an unfaithful spouse.
7. Forgive around shared historical memory.

The uncovering phase:
Unit 1 – A pre-forgiving state of denial. Many will not or cannot acknowledge that others have deeply offended them
Unit 2 – As defenses break down, the person sees the injustice and reacts with characteristic negative emotions such as anger or even hatred toward the injurer. The forgiver accurately sees and acknowledges the injustice which is a sign of self respect.
Unit 3 – But the offended person often experiences shame, guilt or public humiliation which deepens emotional pain.
Unit 4 – As an injured person tries to find a solution to the pain, he or she may attach excessive emotions to the situations which can deplete his or her energy reserves.
Unit 5 – An awareness that one is continually replaying the event in one’s mind.
Unit 6 – One compares one’s own unfortunate state with the relatively comfortable condition of the offender.
Unit 7 – One faces that one may be negatively, permanently changed by the offense.
Unit 8 – Realization that life can be, at times, extremely unfair.

The Decision Phase:
Unit 9 – Realization that these preoccupations with the offense and offender are unhealthy. A person begins to develop willingness to consider forgiveness as an option.
Unit 10 – The person entertains the idea of forgiveness.
Unit 11 – The person ultimately commits to forgiving the individual who caused the pain. In committing to forgive, the injured gives up the idea of revenge though complete forgiveness is not yet realized.

The Work Phase
Unit 12 – The forgiving individual engages in reframing by striving to understand the offender’s personal history, current pressures and basic human worth. The outcome of reframing is understanding not condoning. Often insight is accompanied by emotional identification with the offender.
Unit 13 – Emotional identification with the offender(empathy)
Unit 14 – Willingness to share in the suffering the offender has experienced; this is compassion. Empathy and compassion may be seen as gifts to the offender.
Unit 15 – Acceptance or absorption of the pain is at the heart of forgiving and involves committing oneself not to pass on the pain of the injury to others including the offender. The offended soaks up the pain as a sponge does water, so that he does not have to throw pain back to the offender or others. This unit, like the two proceeding ones emphasizes the affective nature of forgiving. Reframing emphasizes the cognitive nature of forgiving. Absorbing the pain, like the two preceding units signifies the gift-like quality of forgiveness. The forgiver stops the cycle of revenge that otherwise may harm the offender and others. The forgiver acts morally in the giving of these gifts.
The Deepening Phase
Unit 16 - The injured person may find deep meaning in the offense and forgiveness process, perhaps appreciating a new sense of personal compassion that now can be easily extended to others.
Unit 17 - One may realize the self is imperfect and recall incidences in which it was necessary to receive forgiveness from others.
Unit 18 – One may develop a keener understanding of involvement in interpersonal support networks. The realization that one is not alone in the world or with the hurt.
Unit 19 – A new sense of purpose or direction in life may emerge.
Unit 20 – Ultimately this entire process may lead to improved psychological health. It is here that the paradox of forgiveness is most evident. When we give to others the gift of mercy and compassion, we, ourselves are healed.

1. When people forgive, they need time to accommodate slowly to the idea. There are two observable patterns of change.
   1. Most people will consider forgiving another when their emotional pain is so high they must do something to change this uncomfortable situation. When they decide to forgive it is primarily a self-interested activity to feel better. Only after a period of time does the forgiver understand the gift-like quality of forgiveness. Only after a period of time does the forgiver focus more on the other person than on the self. Then people begin to generalize and begin a more forgiving mode of life, forgiving others who have hurt them. Over time, after practicing forgiveness, people may actually alter their worldview and build forgiveness into their philosophy or view of life.
   2. Once a forgiver focuses on the other, he or she operates by one of three moral principles. First, he or she finds the giving of merciful restraint to be sufficient, that is withholding of a negative response when the offended has the right to do so. In merciful restraint, the forgiver gives up the notion of revenge or condemnation. Later, the person may be willing to give generosity to the other. Generosity goes beyond refraining from the bad and adds the dimension of giving good elements such as occasional friendliness and attention to the offender. Later some forgivers give the gift of moral love, in which the forgiver willingly enters into the other’s life in the hope of positively transforming the other and the community.
      
      

Five Steps to Forgiveness
The Art & Science of Forgiving
Everett Worthington, PHD
Crown Publishers, New York



Everett Worthington

Reconciliation

• Forgiveness and reconciliation are confused with each other. Forgiveness is internal. One replaces negative emotions and grants forgiveness as a gift. Reconciliation is interpersonal. It is not granted, but earned. It occurs within relationship. Reconciliation is restoring trust in a relationship in which trust has been damaged. Reconciliation and forgiveness are related to each other but they are not joined at the hip.
  
  
• Moving toward forgiveness can motivate reconciliation.
  
  
• To build a bridge to reconciliation, each person offers four planks joined together, motivated by a mutual desire to make the relationship better, rather than let it unravel. The four planks that each person must bring are:
  

  - Standing off of the ledge or precipice of “standing my ground” to

  1. decide to reconcile,
  2. discuss reconciliation,
  3. detoxify, and
  4. devote to reconciliation.
     

  - Another person might refuse to reconcile. Reconciliation requires movement on both sides. It involves effort. Sometimes the benefits might appear to be less than the cost. Reconciliation involves risk.
  - Reconciliation is not always desirable. It might be unhealthy or unsafe.
  - Why we reconcile? People don’t like to accept failed relationships.
  
  

• Implicit Reconciliation:
  

  - Happens by stopping hostilities
  - Come together for a common task. Sometimes a third person can help.
  - Can happen by being positive toward each other
  

• People need to decide to reconcile and decide when to reconcile
  
  
• For reconciliation to occur, people must agree on a truce. A truce is mutually agreed upon and explicitly agreed upon. A truce involves ceasing acting in a hostile manner as well as overlooking the other person’s minor violations of the truce at times.
  
  
• There also needs to be an agreement on working on a plan to restore the relationship.
  
  
• More on Detoxification:
  - When a relationship has gone bad, usually increasing doses of poison have been injected through toxic interactions. Finally, a critical level of toxins makes the relationship sick. To reconcile, we must reverse the build-up of relationship poison. We must move in the relationship so that infrequent criticism is again the norm. We must move away from:
  1. criticism,
  2. defensiveness,
  3. contempt and
  4. stonewalling (deadening toward the other).
  - We must also detoxify negative expectations. The person may hurt us again and we must be realistic about that. Develop helpful expectations. If reconciliation is to succeed, we must see failures in trustworthiness as not only unsurprising, but expected.
  - The process of reconciliation is always one step backward and two steps forward.

  CONFESS

  Much like his REACH pyramid model for forgiveness, Worthington has another acronym, CONFESS, which serves as a methodology for expressing sorrow in an attempt to reconcile in a relationship. Again, each of the letters of CONFESS stand for a step in expressing sorrow or remorse. Those steps are as follows:
  
  

  C – Confess without excuses;
  
  O – Offer an apology; (specific apologies are the most effective);
  
  N – verbally take Note of the other person’s pain;
  
  F – Forever value: let the other person know that he or she is of great value to you and always will be;
  
  E – Equalize, make up for the loss that the other person has experienced, offer restitution, which equalizes the balance of justice;
  
  S – Say that this will never happen again;
  
  S –Seek forgiveness, ask clearly for forgiveness. In so doing, you acknowledge that you did wrong, and that the other person has the power to forgive you for what you did.
  
  Worthington feels the two hardest parts of CONFESS are C – confess without excuse, and the last S – seek forgiveness. Both steps challenge our ego.

  Return to 2005 Lenten Parish Retreat Home Page

  Return to Home Page